Hy dear!
So today I was having a very bad mood, I was literally crying over a chair with blurry vision and my eyes filled with tears in my room, at the same moment, my roaming gaze stopped at the picture frames with many positive quotes written over there, like “just stay positive” “look at the bright side”, or “others have it worse”, they’re said to comfort us, that moment I realized most of the time, they sting more than they soothe. Ahhh! I literally wanted to break them all, but OfCourse I didn’t because I bought them with my own money. Instead of making us feel better, they leave us questioning whether our feelings are even valid in the first place, this is what called toxic positivity.
The idea that no matter how heavy, tough and worse life feel, we must only focus on the positive and push everything else down. But the fact is, life doesn’t work that way. Just like the sky shifts between sunshine and storms, our emotions also have a natural rhythm which is unbreakable. Denying one side of it is like trying to live only in daylight while pretending dark night doesn’t even exist.
~What toxic positivity actually is?
Being positive isn’t the problem. The problem starts when positivity turns into pressure, when we’re expected to smile through pain, hide our struggles, and act as if sadness or anger makes us “weak”, which actually make us a stable human.
~Why it feels so wrong?
I’ve noticed that when we’re forced to “stay positive”, we start feeling guilty for being human maybe because a healthy human is always positive, we push emotions down instead of dealing with them, and they pile up, we feel misunderstood, even by people who once care about us, and this actually seems a limit to me, why and how could they?
~A look through psychology!
James Gross:
Emotional suppression by James Gross shows that hiding emotions doesn’t make them go away, it increases stress and anxiety and in turn becomes the reason for hidden wounds of our personality.
Carl Roger:
Carl Rogers was a psychologist who believed that people grow and heal best when they are given unconditional positive regard. In it he means empathy, acceptance, and being truly listened to without judgment. Now, toxic positivity does the opposite. Instead of listening, it dismisses feelings with things. So next time when someone opens up to you, don’t say “Don’t be sad, just be happy” or “Stop being so negative”, instead say “I can see you’re hurting, and that’s okay. I’m here for you,” Got the difference? one has empathy and acceptance, other makes one feel invalid.
Social comparison theory:
It explains why we sometimes feel worse, because positivity often turns into comparisons, “if they’re handling it with a smile, why can’t I?”. We all must have heard from our elders that “you are not the first one, facing this problem” or “it’s not the first time someone faced such problem”. Comparison literally kills, make sure others won’t become victim of this in your presence.
~Healthy positivity vs. Toxic positivity
Healthy positivity says, “I know this hurts. I believe you’ll get through it, and I’m here for you.”
Toxic positivity says, “Stop being negative. Just think positive.”
One embraces the reality of pain while holding onto hope. The other denies the pain altogether and jut pressurize to be positive only.
~So, how to tackle?
Let yourself feel. Sadness, grief, anger, these emotions aren’t flaws, they’re proof of being alive and a living being. Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself as no one else would never do it. You don’t need to be okay all the time. If someone is struggling, listen instead of rushing to give solutions. Sometimes, silence and presence are worth more than a dozen so called “positive quotes” Positivity is powerful, but only when it makes space for reality instead of replacing it.
~Looking Forward
Positivity isn’t the enemy. It’s beautiful when it’s real, when it grows out of acceptance instead of denial. What becomes toxic is the idea that we must always be positive, no matter what. Ahhh! the silly me, I wish I could tell little myself about this roughness, and what I did to myself in being the always silly goody positive creature.
The truth is, we heal when we allow ourselves to be fully human, messy, emotional, raw, and real. Smiles are meaningful only when they’re honest. And sometimes, the most positive thing you can do for yourself is to sit with your pain, until it’s ready to loosen its grip, exactly like I said in my last article, cry once but never again!
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